hai să vorbim. oprește televizorul, internetul, telefonul, încuie ușa, trage draperiile, aprinde lumânarea de pe noptieră și hai să uităm pentru o vreme de lumea înconjurătoare.
vino mai aproape, putem discuta despre vreme dacă asta te-ajută să te apropii destul cât să-mi spui de ce plângi, de la o vreme, în somn. în fiecare noapte lacrimi pe pielea mea, pe perna ta, strigăte cu destinatar necunoscut.
nu, nu vreau, n-am fost eu, lasă-mă, pleacă! noua alarmă ce mă trezește la patru dimineața, între două lumi, deși în fiecare dimineață îmi zâmbești și spui același lucru: era un vis, sunt bine.
păstrează-ți hainele pe tine, nu vreau să mă îmbrățișezi dacă nu simți, dacă va fi o îmbrățișare de protocol, străină, că așa trebuie, așa se face.
nu vreau să pătez singura limbă care rămâne atunci când toate graiurile omenești și-au arătat deja neputința limba atingerii dintre doi oameni care se doresc unul pe altul cu toate simțurile. cel mai sincer discurs e-ntotdeauna piele pe piele, intersecția a patru ochi flămânzi.
nu vreau să te pierd, dar, fără să știi, e prea devreme să ai ceva de pierdut. tu nu m-ai avut cu adevărat niciodată, în același fel în care alții înaintea ta n-au știut să mă aibă, să mă facă cu adevărat a lor,
drumul spre mine e, de fapt, un coridor de speranțe sparte și ziduri de priviri flămânde care mă dezbracă la fiecare pas fără să știe că mai există după.
‘te-aș fi iubit prin toate cotloanele’, mi-ai zis, dar ușa de la intrare avea lacăt iar eu n-am ajuns cu mâna la stiva de chei. încet, pe vârfuri. pitică în țara uriașilor, saga fără de capăt.
copilul din mine umblă prin lume, scotocind lacom după uși, ferestre, detalii de care să se mire și holuri. mai ales holuri. știe el că acolo se pun bazele oricărei povești chiar dacă geamurile n-au vitralii
cândva, a avut pe mână Paradisul. nu era tocmai după colț, dar avea gust de cafea lăsată să se răcească și ciocolată cu marțipan dimineața. lumini de apusuri și dimineți leneșe filtrate prin perdele de ace de pin. avea texturi de cărbune și gresie, miros de nerăbdare care le vrea pe toate, acum. acum era singurul lui timp acceptat paradisul avea holuri ca niște vene pe care se vedeau ca niște cicatrici urmele de siluete ce i se imprimaseră în tranzit. câte corpuri, atâtea povești câte povești, atâtea pulsații de viață paradisul loc unde viața se-ntâmpla pur și simplu fără să dea cuiva socoteală.
dar viață era și-n afara lui, într-o zi, locatarii au fost anunțați că li se pregătea ceva. izgonirea. lăsați să se-mprăștie înspre oriunde, ața care legase oamenii-n buchet se rupsese pe nesimțite
de atunci e totul ecou pastelat al vuietului familiar ce însoțea arhitectura subversivă din paradis, loc ce nu mai e reperabil via GPS formată din povești, senzații, contraste
și poate că tu chiar m-ai fi iubit prin toate cotloanele, lângă toate scările, m-ai fi lipit de toate intrările, dar paradisul a durat cât un vis iar azi nu știu ce coordonare a făcut să te regăsesc exact atunci când nu mai știam cum e să pot să-mi fie dor de tine, om vestigiu al nostalgiei după un paradis niciodată al meu, balon de săpun.
Lately, I’ve been spending more time than usual thinking about something that has always been very important to me: love. I’ve always thought that a healthy relationship can do more for a person than any personal development workshop it could possibly attend, but what does it even mean a healthy relationship anymore?
And, as always, I have started to apply my oldest method, which involves, as a first step, discovering what a healthy and loving relationship is not. And that’s a seriously long list.
First of all, a healthy relationship is not controlling.
Yes, a good partner will care about you, will ask you about your day, and will want to know about you, but s/he will do it naturally. You won’t feel interrogated or pressed. And, no, Where did you went dressed up like that?, Why are you coming home this late? or Who was calling you earlier? are not signs that your partner cares about you. They are, instead, signs of controlling behavior, and should not be ignored in the first place, or you will witness them escalating slowly but surely, as time flies.
A healthy relationship helps you grow.
And this is so important, I can’t even stress it out enough. If your partner tries to convince you to give up on your dreams or your long-time planned path for us, that’s not gonna work. A relationship where one has to sacrifice its desire for growth and evolution because the other doesn’t want more than s/he already has is a failure from beginning to an end. A good friend of mine gave up on a long time relationship because her partner disapproved of her career plans. I didn’t really understand that immediately, but I did a few years later when I’ve been put in front of the same choice: do I want that relationship, or I want to accomplish my dreams? I’ve ended up by choosing myself, and I still would, if I would be put in front of that choice again. Because a partner which is, indeed, a good fit, won’t make you make decisions that could throw you into an inner war. For a good partner, your inner peace is just as important as its own, and your evolution is not a threat. If s/he pressures you into giving up on your education or change your career pretexting that it is for the future good of the relationship, run.
A healthy relationship won’t make you feel unworthy.
Yes, being criticized is an important part of human interactions, regardless of their kind. Somehow, you have to pay some extra attention to how your partner’s negative feedback makes you feel. If it makes you feel unworthy, not good enough or a disappointment, if it makes your self-doubt explode, there is a big chance that your relationship is a toxic one.
Toxic relationships are lasting just because one of the partners know how to constantly make the other feel guilty and ashamed.
An unhealthy relationship will always let you feel that all the fault is yours, for whatever rough corners that relationship might have. It is always you to blame, never the partner. And this is where the drama starts, as it teaches you that those are the kind of behaviors that you deserve. Needless to say, that’s one of the most obvious signs that a person has a toxic history to battle.
It won’t happen fast.
Even if this might sound counterintuitive, truth is that most of the toxic relationships have a common trait: they happen all of a sudden. You two get to know each other out of nowhere, online or maybe from some social event, that’s less important, you overshare, tend to be inseparable and, after less than a month, the first I love you is said, too. Does it sound familiar? If yes, then I’m sorry, but you have, also, a toxic past behind.
Love, true, healthy love, is rather built than found. It implies knowing each other, making sure that you share the same core values, and being friends. Yes, friends. Because when the lust is over, that’s when the actual relationship starts. And it can either be a healthy, long-time standing one if the partners took care of also befriending each other in the meantime or a living hell if there was one of those stories where the aggressor and the victim have found each other.
If there’s a truth behind all this, that is the fact that a toxic relationship is extremely hard to escape from. Even if one manages to cut ties with the toxic partner, there will remain something, usually known as the narcissistic wound to be dealt with. This usually involves low self-esteem, depression, fear of creating intimate connections with other people, and, depending on the length of the toxic relationship and the forms of the abuse experienced, might also include symptoms of PTSD. This is why, after getting out of a toxic relationship, some people tend to fall again for a partner with the same behavioral pattern as their former abuser: because, without professional help, one rarely manages to overcome all these issues on its own. And without a complete recovery, the relapse is just a matter of time.
Because, and that is something it took me a long while to see, all our relationships, and our romantic ones especially, are the reflection of one thing: the relationship we have with ourselves.
Only by improving our self-image, by understanding our inner worth and the fact that it is independent of our human interactions, we will learn to put and respect some boundaries without guilt. Of course, our toxic partners play their parts as well, but they wouldn’t get to become our partners in the first place if we weren’t toxic for ourselves. If we would be understanding and supportive when it comes to us just the way we are with our best friends. If we would keep learning and exploring, even with the risk of seeming ridiculous. If we wouldn’t just assume that we have everything figured out already. If we wouldn’t put so much unnecessary pressure on ourselves, on a daily basis.
Because, at the end of the day, any person who will ever meet you will learn how to treat you from yourself. What you allow and what you don’t, what you care about, and what are you only pretending to care about. You will teach them which are your limits, your self-worth and you will show, by the way, you treat and talk about yourself, what you’re expecting and accepting from others. So what if you’d wake up one morning and, while sipping your coffee and listening to your favorite music, would decide to actually act as positive and firmly as you talk on the Internet feed?
And to anyone out there reading this article, if you find yourself in a toxic relationship, please, PLEASE, RUN AWAY! SEEK HELP! Talk to anyone you trust about your problems, and accept any type of help you are offered. It will hurt, but you owe it to yourself to escape. You are worth living a beautiful, fulfilling life, so run as fast as you can of anyone trying to convince you that you’re not. The man that tries to make you live a life dominated by fear, guilt, and shame doesn’t love you. He won’t change. But you have to, so be brave, be bold enough, and leave. You’re gonna thank yourself later for doing so.