The G that comes around

The first word starting with G that comes to my mind is Gangsta. The second one is Guilt.

But guilt is also one of my oldest visitors, as I have always been an introverted perfectionist. It was always easier to take the blame myself than to look for the person that’s actually guilty. And it took me years of inner conflict to see that, more often than not, guilt is an atavism, a toxic, unnecessary emotion.

Let me be clear: unnecessary, not useless. Guilt is, in fact, a very important emotion, as it stands for our inner moral compass. We often feel guilty when we say or when we do something wrong. Something that hurts or even harms the others. Something breaking our moral principles, and probably the society’s ones as well.

This only means that guilt is an emotion with huge destructive potential, as it is so intense, and people tend to feel guilty for so many reasons. That’s how I define guilt trips: unnecessary feelings of guilt. It takes us by surprise when we decide to cut off someone or to say No, it takes over whether it is or not the case to do so.

Obviously, all feelings are valid, and no one is ever allowed to tell you what to feel or not. But guilt is a legitimate feeling in very few cases. If your words or actions are not putting anyone in danger, if you don’t harm them or become a threat to their well-being or existence, your guilt doesn’t have a reason to exist.

Actually, I have the feeling that the thing we often label as guilt is, in fact, shame. A feeling that guilt is very often coming with as a pair. Try to put I feel ashamed for instead of I feel guilty when you tell how you feel to someone else, or even to yourself, and observe how it feels. If it rings true, if it is, indeed, guilt, and not shame… Just try and pay attention to yourself, even take notes of the process in your diary, if it helps you. If anyone would ask me, I’d say we feel, 9 out of 10 times, shame. But as shame is associated with being dirty, guilt becomes a more popular substitute.

However, there is another possibility, even if darker. To feel guilt as a result of your past experiences. If you grew up in a household where you used to be the guilty one for whatever happened or to be accused because there was the easiest way for the accuser to deal with their frustration or rage, there are chances that you’ve internalized the It’s all my fault mindset, successfully applying it today. In other words, toxic environments often create grown-ups that believe that they’re to blame for whatever goes wrong in their lives. Just like in their past, when they were blamed either way.

And this is how guilt becomes a toxic, irrational feeling, instead of a legitimate one, the moral compass that helps to separate good from harmful. By being used by the powerful figures of the grown-ups as a way of dealing with their negative emotions while avoiding taking full responsibility for their actions or words.

The best thing is, however, that one can work and break-up with the toxic mechanisms learned along with life. We can set ourselves free of whatever harms us mentally and spiritually. But this only happens while working together. When we tell our friends that they’ve crossed our boundaries again. Or when we tell them how their words or actions make us feel.

It also counts as healing our old wounds when we ask ourselves Is this what am I really feeling? And if not, then what is it that I am feeling? and observing ourselves. Looking at our patterns: the type of people we feel attracted to, the kind of contexts that we find ourselves jumping into, the kind of feelings that we allow to express themselves freely.

Because what we tend to label as guilt, is rarely actually guilt, and mostly a  mixture of rage, shame, and remorse. Three very different feelings, with different triggers, but which tend to pass anonymously, being labeled as guilt.

Managing guilt trips is, as any other remarkable change, a matter of work. A matter of understanding what’s triggering the feeling, of the life experiences that root it, and of questioning one’s mechanisms. It is about asking yourself How am I acting when I feel guilty? and How can I act different and healthier, instead? It is also about questioning one’s close people, as they can see some angles which are unavailable to you.

And, as dealing with any emotion, is about understanding it, about being patient with yourself, and asking for help. For the support, a specialist could provide, and especially asking for your loved one’s support and patience. Unlearning emotional patterns is a bit harder than building them, as you’re discovering new ways of being yourself. Your real, uncontaminated from other people’s unhealed traumas, self.

#tot ce vrei

tot ce vrei e de partea opusa

a fanteziei, a linearului, a disperarii.

a trecut de mult gardul fricii

si hoinareste mut pe taramul

pitit in umbra sarmelor ghimpate

poti avea tot ce vrei,

dar asta e doar ce-ti zic ei.

si poti avea tot, orice, dar…

stii ce vrei?

intreb si eu si zic sa

te feresti cat poti de zei

claditi din minciuna si chirpici

ce s-au spoit cu auriu si se vad zmei.

de le dai timp, nici colb nu ramane din ei…

pare frumos, dar adevarul nu-i aici.

poti fi cine vrei, adica oricine,

dar e si aici o intrebare:

ce stii despre tine?

una din marile-ntrebari,

de n-ai grija la nuante,

o sa te trezesti sub un curcubeu de sperante

poti fi ce vrei, asa se spune,

d’aia sufletul meu tot umbla prin lume.

tot d’aia te uiti la mine de parca

sunt Frida Kahlo la crasma din colt, direct de pe Arca.

umblu si tot umblu, din noaptea fara nume,

eu nu sunt nici vorba, nu sunt nici pronume.

sunt tot ce-am vrut,

dar nu-nseamna nimic,

sau nu mare lucru de cand s-au risipit

in penumbra de rascruce acei ochi

ce ma priveau jurand ca nu se vor duce,

la gramada cu promisiunile unui timp pierdut

puteam fi tot ce vreau,

asa ca m-am decis sa fiu eu.

pare putin, trist, dezamagitor,

dar nimeni n-are sa traiasca-n locul meu;

cata vreme respir si simt, am valente de zeu.

daca pot fi orice,

voi fi emotie pura.

necenzurata, muta, dura

ca aerul muntelui cand iei prima gura.

abia asta e ce da dependenta,

si cand nu exist te duce-n prag de dementa.

tot ce vreau e ludic, intens, n-o sa neg esenta,

nu cata vreme asta i-ar periclita existenta

tot ce vreau pot sa fiu si nu-s.

caci la tot ce vreau se ajunge-n doi

iar oameni vechi n-o sa ma-nvete drumuri noi.

eu vreau drum nou, vreau sa ma-nveti,

si-apoi sa-mi dai drumul inapoi in lume.

nu te speria, pastrezi o parte din mine

si poti oricand privi cum ma gasesc

si regasesc umbland mereu pe-alte carari,

mica Alice din nicaieri, cu ceva mai multi de ieri

in plus la numarare. si, sa vezi eroare:

tot ce-am vrut m-a facut prea mare,

sa pot, de vreau, sa ma suprim.

ma porti la gat, asa pot fi putin,

altminteri orice-i mic e chin.

pot fi orice, asa ca-s eu

nu o regret, nu zic ca-i rau,

dar se dilata spatiu-n jurul meu

si, uite, vad cum se latesc peretii

cei albi de spaime-n gerul diminetii.

sunt tot ce n-ai habar ca vrei,

pierduta-n asteptarea cetii.

astept sa ma gasesti, sa-mi vezi

tactil cealalta perspectiv-a vietii.

de pot fi tot ce vreau,

raman ce-mi sunt,

caci mi-s destul, pe drept cuvant.

sunt eu cea care sunt, pot fi

a lui, a ta si a oricui

sau pot ramane-a nimanui

si viata tot nu va durea

caci mai intai de toate-am fost a mea

iar asta stiu ca nu se va schimba

nici cand pe trupu-mi vested o sa port pamant,

caci am trait si-am hoinarit ca mine;

eu cea care sunt. si-am insirat

cuvant dupa cuvant intr-un colier.

e-averea mea, esenta-mi diluata

ce-o las oricui prin testament in vata

sa-nsire amintiri de nopti de vara

dureri plimbate-n lung si lat

de impletit cu sfoara.

#detalii

daca as fi o planta, as fi un ciuline;

daca as fi un animal, un arici.

daca as fi obiect, as fi o lumanare;

iar de ar fi să fiu un loc, as fi bazar

cu toate astea, în mod bizar

nu sunt nimic din ce-as putea.

sunt doar un om, si-n mintea mea

stau vise-nțepenite ca-n borcan

sunt om fara sa stiu ce-nseamna.

eu stiu sa mint si stiu sa simt,

stiu ca am si stiu ca sunt,

dar fara instructiuni sau emfază.

e doar asa…

eu stiu ce am, si ce-mi lipseste

am o mana ce-atinge trunchiurile

copacilor blocați în timp,

am o talie pe care se-ascund gravate

toate detaliile unei existente

prea abstracte ca sa o reduc la esențe

eu stiu ce sunt, dar e abstract

nu pot concretiza.

lacrima mea, vorba ta,

povestile pe care le port

ca pe-o armura imateriala,

dar nelipsită de greutate

am rost, dar rostul meu abstract

abia încape într-o vaza.

nu-s rost, căci mi-ar vicia la bază

tot mecanismul de ceasornic vechi

pe care-l port in cap

am brate-n care încape ‘ntreaga lume,

doar ca sa fiu suma oamenilor care

m-au frânt candva într-o îmbrățișare

si-nca putin in plus

am un zâmbet ce poate lumina omenirea,

si cu toate astea nu functioneaza lunea.

eu nu-s nici zâmbet, nici lumina,

ci doar un amalgam de nopti si vină

am ochi pentru detalii,

sub ei înfloresc ceilalti ca niste dalii.

dar nu-s ce au văzut ochii mei,

toate rasariturile si apusurile

care-au trecut pe lângă ei,

deși as putea la o adica deveni

abisul vazut de atâtea ori

niciodată în același culori

am amintiri de atingeri

depozitate în buricele degetelor

si langa tot ce-am simtit vreodata,

în atriul stâng, doarme cea ce sunt,

flămânda de senzatii si trait

dar nici ea nu-i eu

pe de-a intregul, doar

o parte care păcălește

alte parti c-ar fi intregul.

foamea ei de stare si culoare

e vizibila ca cerul

într-o dimineață de mai

toate detaliile pot compune un tablou,

dar adunate nu-ti vor spune ce sunt eu.

vei sti bucăți ce contrastează,

si-o sa le iei de adevar.

nu ma-ntristeaza, ca viata-i jocul

si toti la un loc ne-ncercam norocul,

ignorând sistematic diferențele,

potrivind prost detaliile

si injurand ca n-au răspunsuri intrebarile

eu sunt cea care sunt

si pe care o stiu cel mai bine.

dar ca imi poti spune pe nume

nu te aduce mai aproape

de eu cea care stiu ca sunt.

eu sunt mister si noapte si pamant,

sunt suflet descoperit si

vorbe-n vânt cat sa acopere tăcerea.

mai mult aspra ca lana decat dulce ca mierea,

si tot ce vei putea vedea

sunt doar semne ca-s umana.

cu toate astea, în urma mea

va rămâne întrebarea

in urma darei de parfum,

a primului pas facut pe-un alt drum,

a ultimei vorbe pe care-o spun

fantoma pasageră în amurguri cu fum

si singurătate la pahar, distilata.

ma stii atât de bine, dar tot ramane întrebarea

si nici un răspuns nu-ti luminează zarea.

cand am pășit pe drum, s-a stins lumanarea

si-acum rămâi sa potrivesti detalii

ca un croitor ce-aseaza stofe pe talii,

singurul ramas rece cand lumina pica prin vitralii,

doar tu si zambetu-ti rictus, două contrarii

lasate-n urma după ce s-a cicatrizat normalitatea,

soapte-surogat care sa-ti lumineze noaptea