You’re only owing to yourself

We live, as mom once said, interesting times. In today’s fast and furious world, one can do with less sleep, but not with less social-media. We talk with our loved ones, read, share photos, music, thoughts with others, and, when we put things this way, social media seems to be an inoffensive, happy place. But this is also the problem.

As going through my own recovery journey, I’ve became fully aware of something that I used to know only as a theory: social media is doing more harm than good in the process.

This happens because no one on social media is really honest. We share the bits that we love from our lives, the highlights, and this is how the fraud begins. We are creating a perfect image for the others, but, in exchange, we tend to forget that they’re doing the same thing. We tend to forget that, for some people, social media is a career, what they do for a living.

And that’s how the harm is done. By comparing our raw, unfiltered real life, with the fake, perfect lives of the social media people. We look up to them, take them as standards, and then we’ll look back at ours and see the huge differences between them.

This is how any progress gets lost in the long run, just because we tend to forget the essential: there are no two recovery journeys alike. Every single one is unique, intimate and special. Share yours if you feel like it, but don’t take other people’s perfect social media lives as goal or comparison terms.

Because, if there’s something worth saying about it, then would be the fact that social media is a very, very powerful tool. It connects different people, different stories, different images form all over the world, in no time. This can make or break any kind of mental progress a person’s trying to achieve, being the main reason why social media should be used wisely.

I don’t say that being active on social media is bad. Actually, I spend a lot of time online. But, as I’ve started this rather uncalled for mental health journey, as old scars have opened again in front of me, hurting, I became more aware of the social media influence on me.

Social media, with all the perfect photographs, fueled my body insecurities. I know, it sounds childish, but being overexposed to so many images of perfect bodies constantly has only made me feel worse about mine. Even if, in the back of my mind, I was totally understanding that some of those perfect bodies are the byproducts of a whole team, usually consisting in fitness trainer, dietician, make-up artist, hairstylist, photographer, and the almighty Photoshop.

Even so, I couldn’t help, but ask myself Why am I not looking like that, or even close, at least? and fantasizing about how my life would be better if I’d be prettier- the social media kind of prettier. That was my revelation moment, when I’ve started to unfollow the accounts that were making me feel bad with the way I look.

And that was also the point where I’ve decided that it’d be a good move to unfollow all the accounts that I recognize having harmful potential. It might not be the easiest decision, but it was one of the best taken on this: to unfollow, unfriend and block every single one that made me feel less than enough.

Because, one of the social media’s wonders is that, even though you’re surrounded by content all the time, you choose what kind of content will surround you. And understanding this was a total game-changer. My feed started to look different: more young artists, more mental-health-supportive, more visual (and in a very, very good way, as I’ve discovered a whole world of photographers and illustrators hidden by all those IG models), and, generally, much more uplifting.

Of course, social media connected me with people that helped me become the individual I am today, awesome people I couldn’t see myself without, but I’ve also met people that, by  having contact with them or simply seeing their posts, were awakening my, so-thought, long time burried unworthiness feelings. But, at the end of the day, when I’ve acknowledged for real what it means that my mental health an well-being are at stake, I’ve managed to understand things at a deeper level. To take them more serious.

By continuously looking for answers, as my mental state was worse, I found some, not only about body image, on my relationship with social media. I’ve discovered that social media has a serious impact. More than I’ve thought before it could have. It brought up strange, yet common mix between addiction, exhaustion and not feeling good enough.

It is easy, when you’re a perfectionist nature, to mix all these things up. You want to get that perfection that seems so achievable  in the online.

Because, if you’d ask me, I’d say that is the biggest problem with social media: that it makes perfection look ordinary. It makes you believe that having the perfect job, perfect body, perfect relationship, perfect outfit, perfect house or vacation is not only something that everyone could reach, but that it is so common, that you must do something wrong somewhere if your life ain’t perfect.

And this could be seriously draining for one’s emotions and psychic, even if that individual faces a mental condition or not. It could, if used carelessly, make the individual develop some sort of condition, in time. This is why we have to change the approach. To post relevant content for who we are, regardless if it is matching the trend or not, and be careful about what messages we receive from the accounts that we decide to follow. Also, there is this little thing that, kept in mind, will certainly do the difference.

The truth is, again, that nothing will ever be perfect. Not in the real, daily life. Here everything has ups, downs and stopping points. We have normal bodies, each of them special and beautiful in its very own way, and lives that can be just as pretty as we allow them to be.

Because, if you get out of the social media thing for a second, you’ll see that the world is still a pretty place, and life is still beautiful. That there are people who genuinely love you and care about you, even if they don’t tag you everywhere, spend every free minute of their lives with you or shower you with gifts. That your followers are not a way to measure your worth as a human. And, generally, that there is life outside the social media, too, and we have to live that.

We have to live it unapologetically, without any kind of filters. To stop trying to please everybody, to speak more of our minds, to share our feelings and thoughts more. Because a life doesn’t  have to be picture-perfect to be worth enjoying it.

Actually, what we see on social media is not a life. Is a collage made of cut-outs. A big painting made of the tiny detalis that used to be the highlights of every day, week, month, year, but arranged in such a way that they’d eventually fit.  Everyone out there is building a social narrative of their lives, based on the moments that made them feel and look good.

Even if they don’t put it on display, people still have bad days, periods when everything seems to be wrong. And it’s ok to be like this, as long as the bad times are part of what it means to be human.

Of course, talking on social media about the struggles of existence is a wonderful trend, that I really hope it would last a lifetime. But, in the meantime, things tend to remain the same as they were when, talking to a friend about what made me write this articles series I’ve told her that I do it because I have nothing to lose anymore. If I’d have the smallest thought that I could lose something, that I would be judged, or that my loved ones or the people whose opinions matter to me would look at me differently, I wouldn’t write a line.

But I have nothing left to lose anymore, so I keep writing, hoping that these pieces of text help. Live the life your own way, and, when you’ll have your next scroll, keep always in mind that what you see on social media and what you get in real life can be two really, really different things. No one has it all, and for sure not all the time, but getting guilt trips over not being able to reach social media’s ideals of living is not a thing we should let happen any sooner.

Scroll down wisely, and keep in mind that the reality happens always offline, what we get on social media are just some beautifully crafted postcards from it.

Puternica? Nu eu…

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De niste vreme, ani, cam de cand eram eu adolescenta, se bate moneda pe femeia puternica. Hai ca o stiti, toate site-urile, revistele, blogurile, o propovaduiesc de atata amar de vreme. A ajuns si la TV. E tipa aia care nu plange niciodata. Care e ironica, acida, independenta financiar, stilata, culta, superioara, emancipata, gratioasa, selectiva cu cei din jur…toata povestea aia. Ti se induce ca asa trebuie sa fii, daca vrei sa fii o femeie misto. Sa nu stie nimeni ce te doare, sa fii mereu bine, zambitoare, ca timpul nu sta pe loc fiindca te doare pe tine sufletul.

Desi unele din atributele de mai sus sunt perfect in regula, pot sa spun ca, in ciuda a orice se vede din exterior, eu nu-s o femeie puternica. Sunt doar mandra, dar mandria nu-mi cenzureaza mereu eficient exprimarea emotiilor. Asa ajung sa plang, rar ce-i drept, in public. Am trait o buna parte din viata dorindu-mi sa fiu puternica cu orice pret. Pentru mine, pentru cei dragi din jur, pentru binele tuturor. Mi-am urat cu disperare fragilitatea, vulnerabilitatea. Am fugit de ele, m-am dat cu capul de pereti ca simt prea mult, prea profund, si ca eu nu mai vreau sa mai simt nimic.

Nu sunt puternica, ma dor prea multe. Inechitati carora le-am fost martora sau victima. Oameni pe care nu i-am putut ajuta asa cum mi-as fi dorit. Nedreptati de care, chiar daca am scapat ca prin urechile acului, umbra lor m-a urmat oriunde, ca un catel. Zilele in care puteam mai bine. Momentele in care, poate, n-am stiut sa ma apar asa cum as fi meritat. Anii in care nici nu mi-a dat prin cap ca ar trebui sa ma apar, sa spun gata! si nu!, ca nu trebuie sa multumesc pe nimeni in afara de mine insami.

Nu sunt puternica. Am zile in care-as putea jura ca sunt stapana lumii, dublate de nopti in care ma simt a nimanui in propria viata, in propria lume interioara. Zile in care plang, in care ma simt nefericita, nedreptatita, invinsa. Zile-n care as da foc lumii intr-un acces de furie oarba, de la prea multele nedreptati la care-am asistat neputincioasa si care inca ma dor. Compensatoriu.

Nu sunt puternica, si nici femeie nu-s inca. Sunt un copil mare, cu accese de intelepciune, efuziuni de euforie, si rabufniri de furie care se amesteca in feluri care mai de care mai de ne-nteles. Am crescut cu o boala rara, iar prezenta constanta a mamei in jur m-a ferit, in copilarie, de rautatile copiilor. Altii, desi sanatosi, dar saraci, n-au avut norocul asta, sa scape de batjocura gratuita.

Nu sunt puternica, si nici macar nu mai incerc sa fiu. Am acceptat, pana la urma, ca-s o fiinta fragila. Ca ma descurc mai bine singura, decat inconjurata de multimi tampe de oameni. Ca sunt un ocean de emotii care se vor bate mereu cap in cap, si ma vor arde pe dinauntru. Ca nu-s deloc a dracu’ daca ma aleg pe mine.

Nu mai vreau sa mint despre cat de puternica sunt. Nu sunt. N-am fost niciodata. Ce am fost in schimb mereu, si o sa raman, e o fiinta mandra. Din mandrie nu m-am dus de cate ori s-ar fi impus la oamenii care m-au ranit, cand m-au ranit, sa le-o spun si sa-i intreb de ce?. Mi se parea o chestie triviala, sub demnitatea mea, un gest de mahalagioaica pusa pe scandal. Azi nu-l mai vad deloc, dar deloc asa. Azi, daca mi-ai facut ceva, o sa afli. Fie ca vrei, fie ca nu, si cu totala nepasare daca ce auzi iti e pe plac sau nu, confortabil sau nu.

Nu sunt puternica, nici nu vreau, nici nu pot, ca sa parafrazez o femeie controversata. Nu vreau, frate, mi s-a luat! Mi s-a luat sa protejez mereu pe toata lumea si sa fiu nevoita sa ma cenzurez si cand vreau, si cand nu. De fapt, daca ma gandesc un pic mai bine, vreau sa mai fiu si eu protejata, intrebata, ingrijita. Macar din cand in cand, pana cand se vor obisnui cu asta regulat. Ca eu raman la fel de fragila pe cat eram si inainte vreme, cand pretindeam ca-s mare amazoana, nu d’alta.

M-am lecuit de la a fi aia pe care nu o mai doare nimic. Ma dor multe, si o sa le spun oricui ma intreaba sau ma provoaca. O sa raman sincera cu ceilalti si cu mine, o sa spun ce vad si ce simt. Mai ales ce simt. O sa respect ce-am invatat cu mult greu: ca timpul meu cu mine, in singuratate, e dar, nu blestem, ca limitele-mi sunt date ca sa mi le invat si respect, ca trebuie sa pun punct inainte ca tot ce traiesc, vad, incerc, simt, sa ma arda pe interior ca lumanarea.

O sa fac multe, tare multe, promit. Dar nu o sa mai tac, pentru ca tacerea e de aur doar in dictaturi, in restul lumii e, cel mai adesea, de plumb. Si sigur nu o sa mai fac din a fi puternica un ideal, un model, sau un motiv de bravura. Asta dat din oficiu de societate, fara sa-l ceara explicit nimeni, e  un model tern, lipsit de nuante, si mi-a ajuns. Nu ma regasesc in el si mi-am pierdut déjà prea mult timp incercand sa-l interiorizez. Cui ii place, sa-l pastreze, dar sa nu mi-l bage pe gat.